Scars
by Lilmuffin2017
Summary: Something traumatic has happened to Sam but she wont tell anyone. Carly has left for two weeks and Freddie is trying to figure out what happened to Sam and comfort her in this time of need. Hope you enjoy. Seddie.
1. Chapter 1

**So I feel weird writing an iCarly fancfiction but ah well. Please review because I'd love to know how I'm doing! So yeah, here ya go.**

I sat in my small bed listening to the yelling in the next room. I rubbed my temples feeling a headache coming on. My mom had brought home yet another boyfriend and they were yelling at each other over the broken TV. Her newest boyfriend seemed to spark the most arguments with my mother.  
I hadn't really seen all that much of him, only the one time I had gotten home and him and my mom were making out on the couch. My mom stopped and chucked the TV remote at me and told me to go to my room.  
I liked him the least, he smelled bad and looked like a serial killer. And with all his arguing he caused me to have a constant head ache.  
"You threw it at your stupid daughter! You broke it!" I heard him growl.  
"She broke it! She could've gotten outta' the way!" My mother retorted.  
Great, now I'm involved in their argument. I stretched out on my bed and held onto my pillow heaving a sigh.  
I gritted my teeth when I heard heavy footsteps make their way towards my room, I silently hoped they'd just continue down the hallway, but then my door burst open. "Hey!" I heard a low growl. I didn't bother to look back, my mom's boyfriend wasn't going to boss me around.  
"Go away you fat slob." I murmured.  
I felt a big meaty hand grab onto my shoulder and pull me onto the ground, I got away from his grip and glared at him. The man swung his fist at me, it impacted into my shoulder. I winced and kicked out my leg hitting him in the jaw.  
I got up and quickly climbed out my window onto the fire escape. I climbed down all the way to the ground and ran for a cab.

"Hey Sam." Carly greeted me as I picked her lock. I turned around and saw her standing with Spencer behind me.  
"Hey Carls." I smiled. I turned the door knob on her door and walked into her apartment.  
"Sam why do you always have to break into our apartment?" Spencer complained. I didn't answer but just plopped down on their couch wincing as I hit my shoulder. I kicked off my converse and stretched out.  
"Make me a sandwich." I called out. Carly sighed and walked into the kitchen preparing my supper. I reached for the TV remote, pausing my mind playing back my mom throwing the same object at me.  
I flipped through several channels until I found a boxing match, "Good enough." I muttered.  
Several minutes later Carly sat down next to where my feet were and set my plate on my hip, "Sam, me and Spence have some news." She said. I grabbed the plate and sat up and crossed my legs. I raised an eyebrow at her then took a bite out of my turkey sandwich. She continued, "My dad is stationed in North Carolina right now, and will be for about two weeks. Me and Spencer will be taking a plane there tomorrow night and will be staying for as long as we can."  
I frowned, "Am I coming too then?" In the process of talking I spit chunks of food out. She shook her head. "Oh come on Carls. I don't want to stay here with all the stupid people of Seattle." I groaned.  
"Sorry Sam. We'll be back before you know it. And I've already told Freddie, and we've cancelled iCarly while I'm in NC." She said.  
I finished my sandwich and scowled, "Fine." I muttered. I got up and grabbed my shoes and stormed out of the apartment and ran into something. Or someone. I took a step back to look up and see Freddie. "Get out of my way, Fredward." I growled.  
He grabbed my arm before I could leave, "What are you so ticked about?" He asked.  
I yanked my arm out of his grip, "What's it to you?" I snarled.  
He shook his head, "Maybe you don't understand the fact that I actually care."  
"Whatever." I murmured and rushed away.

I ended up at the Groovy Smoothie sipping at a strawberry smoothie at a table by myself. I didn't want to go yet, and I wasn't sure where else to go.  
T-Bo wandered to my table with a stick of bagels. "Wanna bagel?" He asked. I rolled my eyes.  
"Does it look like I want a bagel, T-Bo?" I narrowed my eyes. He pursed his lips and walked away. I sipped the last of my smoothie and sat silently thinking. Where I was going to stay while Carly was away? I suppose I could always just break into her apartment and try carefully to not get caught.  
I might as well skip school until Carly gets back, I only went everyday because Carly was there. Otherwise I couldn't bring myself to go. It was a terrible cruel place. Though it might screw me over, I had at least managed to get my F's up to D's and even one to a C. If I skipped I'd end up failing this school year.  
"Who cares." I muttered to myself. Maybe summer school, but that thought made me cringe. I lowered my head to the table, gently falling asleep.

"Sam, Sam!" Someone shouted. I lifted my head and yawned, suddenly aware I was still at the Groovy Smoothie. I blinked away the sleep from my eyes, Freddie stood in front of me. "How long have you been here?" He asked.  
I glanced out the windows, it was dark out. I'd been here for a good while. "Just a few minutes." I lied.  
"No you've been asleep here for about two hours." I heard T-Bo say behind me. I gritted me teeth.  
"Must've lost track of time." I said. "Should get home." I got up and went for the door, but Freddie stopped me.  
"What's going on?" He asked sternly.  
"Nothing." I muttered, I tried to push past him but he grabbed me by the arms and held me still.  
"Don't lie to me." He said. "You can tell me."  
"There's nothing to tell, you nub." I snapped. I pushed him away and was out the door. I started down the sidewalk wondering why the heck Freddie acted like he cared so much. Nothing was even the matter really. I just had a few issues I needed to deal with was all. He needed to back off my chiz.  
An hour later I ended up at my apartment, hesitating outside the door. I thankfully heard no arguing or really anything inside. So I opened the door and walked inside. My mom was sprawled on our couch and her boyfriend was sitting awake in our recliner.  
"Hello Samantha." He sneered.  
"I'd say hello too, but I never caught your name." I sniffed.  
"Rick." He spat.  
I let out a 'hmmph' and started toward my room. But Rick got up from his seat in the recliner and grabbed my arm and pulled me down to the ground with surprising strength. "Ouch." I growled sitting up.  
"You're so much more hot than your mom." Rock said pushing my onto my back. I felt my heart beat faster.  
"Get away from me creep." I growled. He chuckled and pushed down on my shoulders and hovered over me.  
"Were just beginning." His breath made me gag.

I remember screaming, and begging. I remember trying to escape him numerous times, remember screaming for my mom and her being too drunk to care. I remember my innocence being stolen from me over and over until the horrible bastard was too tired to torture me any longer. I remember crawling to bed, whimpering, shuddering. Then taking my knife and slicing into my arm, trying to forget. Then finally passing out.  
I woke up remembering. Every little detail. I was sticky from sweat and my arms and bed sheets were stained with blood. I grimaced at the dull ache in my arms. I never had cut myself before, because I had never had something so...cruel happen.  
All I knew was that I needed to get out of my house, away from Rick. I grabbed a grocery bag from underneath my bed and threw in some clothes and stuffed a twenty into my jeans pocket. I pulled on a hoodie. Rick and my mom were way to hung over to be awake so I was able to slip through the front door.  
I hadn't planned out where to go, but since Carly wasn't leaving until tonight I decided it'd be alright to go there. I took a cab there and stopped at the front desk. Instead of Lewbert there was some old guy in a track suit.  
"Hey, I need you to keep the bag here for now, I'll be back to pick it up later." I said throwing the bag up onto the desk. The guy grabbed it and stashed it underneath the desk and nodded.  
"Your name?" He asked.  
"Sam." I replied and was up the stairs.  
I got to the Shay's apartment and knocked on the door. "Who is it?" I heard Spencer call out.  
"Just open the door." I snapped.  
After Spencer unlocked the door he opened it and took a look at me, "Were leaving in seven hours, Carly is up stairs packing."  
"Yeah? I can go help." I said and barged in past him. I got up the stairs and let myself into Carly's room. "Hey." I say when I see her on her bed stuffing clothes into a bright pink suit case.  
"Hey." She smiled when she saw me. "Thought you were mad at me."  
I shrugged, "I got over it."  
She grinned even wider, "Mind giving me a hand?"  
I gave her a thumbs up and started to help her pack. When we finished she sat on her bed and patted a spot next to her. I sat down next to her. "So what's wrong?" She asked.  
I frowned, "What's with everyone thinking something is wrong?" I growled.  
"Well Freddie..." She began but as soon as she said that nub's name I was in outrage.  
"What's he care?! Theres nothing even wrong with me!" I shouted and got up. "Maybe it's just that I'll miss you or some crap like that. It's nothing. Stop bugging me about it." I paused. "Tell Freddie that too."  
I walked out of her room and straight to the kitchen. I pried open her refrigerator and pulled out left over chicken and sat at the table and gnawed at it angrily. I felt the urge to burst out crying because what happened last night and what was happening now. But I held it back like I always did.  
Carly walked into the kitchen and got a popsicle from the freezer and took a seat across from me. "I don't want to talk about it Carly." I muttered.  
"Didn't say anything." She replied licking her popsicle. I snorted and finished eating the piece of chicken. I leaned back in the kitchen chair and stared at the table, trying desperately to not think about last night.  
"I'm going to go take a nap." I said getting up. I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes, gently rubbing my sliced arm. I wondered how long I'd have to wear long sleeve shirts before the cuts would go away. The last thing I needed was a lecture from Carly and Freddie about self harm.  
I couldn't fall asleep so I just simply closed my eyes and tried to avoid harsh memories.  
I fell asleep for only twenty minutes maybe and felt a blanket being pulled over me. I smiled. I cracked my eyes expecting Carly but saw Freddie. I opened my eyes all the way and pulled myself into a sitting position and rubbed my head. "What are you doin' here?" I yawned.  
"They left, we couldn't wake you." He said.  
"Wha? I just fell asleep." I blinked.  
He shook his head, "You have a sucky internal clock. You need a ride home?"  
"I can manage." I got up, wadding up the blanket and threw it at him. "I'll be off now."  
"Sam." he murmured. "If there is something going on, you can tell me."  
"Yeah, but there isn't." I said and was out the door.

I decided to grab a smoothie at the Groovy Smoothie then go back to the Shays' apartment. I couldn't catch a cab so I ended up walking the whole way there, when I got there my feet ached and I felt like crap.  
"T-Bo the usual!" I called. I took a seat and took off one of my shoes and rubbed my foot. After a few minutes T-Bo showed up with my smoothie and said it was on the house. "Thank T." I smiled gratefully.


	2. Chapter 2

**So this is the second chapter, I think I'll only have three chapter so yeah. Please review this because I would love to know how I'm doing (: Thanks!**

"Sam." The guy in Lewbert's place greeted.  
"That's me." I said. He smiled and handed me my bag. I thanked him and climbed up the stairs. I got to the door and began to pick the lock, but seemed to have problems. "Come on you stupid thing." I muttered.  
I heard the Bensons' door opened and I cursed and turned around and saw Freddie standing in the doorway. "Sam what are you doing?" He asked.  
"I left my beef jerky here." I said avoiding his gaze.  
"What's the bag for?" He asked pointing to my grocery bag.  
"Nothing." I said. I had no lies left to tell.  
"Sam don't lie to me!" He exclaimed.  
"I'm not." I mumbled.  
He grabbed my arm and looked at me. My mind flashed back to Rick and I gasped and a whimper escaped my lips. Then the whole night happened all over in my head and I fell to the ground holding my face in my hands.  
"Sam!" Freddie placed a hand on my shoulder. "Sam?"  
"I-I'm fine. My head just...hurts." I got up and turned away from him before he could see the tears slide down my cheeks, I finally got the door opened and stepped inside.  
Not surprisingly Freddie followed me in. I quickly wiped my tears away and face him, "What?" I said crankily.  
"Sam, I want to know what is going on with you." He said softly.  
"Why do you you even care?" I snapped.  
"I care about you, Sam." He said.  
I shook my head and tossed my bag onto the coffee table and sat down on the couch, my arms began to throb, and blood trickled down to my hands. One of the scabs had broken and was bleeding. Why right now? I thought angrily.  
I held my arm so Freddie wouldn't see.  
"You're staying here aren't you?" He asked.  
I was tired of lying. "Yeah."  
I could tell he wanted to know why but he didn't press anymore. "Can I stay too?" He asked.  
I nodded, "Just don't bother me." I murmured. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it and just took a seat next to me on the couch. I turned on the TV not even caring what was on. Some movie, black and white. "What are we in the sixties?" I muttered.  
I noticed Freddie frequently glancing at me, looking worried. I felt a small pang of guilt. Freddie was only trying to help me out, I just wasn't really use to people doing that, wasn't very trusting of others.  
I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't want to tell him anything but I didn't want to seem ungrateful. I took a quick look at him and then back at the TV. There was a kissing scene on and I felt awkward. I fell to my side and stretched out nearly kicking Freddie in the face.  
"Sorry." I murmured. I rested my legs on Freddie's lap, feeling too tired to care. He rested his arms on my legs, I felt a jolt of some kind of feeling. It was a feeling I wanted so much to ignore.  
I rested my head on my arm, feeling immediate pain and I shuddered. "Are you cold?" Freddie asked. I shook my head.  
He still tucked a blanket over me, and settled back in his spot. I smiled without even realizing it and drifted off into sleep.

I had a dream of going back to my apartment, Rick stood in front of the door and smiled at me. I tried to run but he threw me down to the ground and shouted at me. My mom stood several feet away watching and laughing saying, "Get her Rick." I was screaming and kicking begging for him to stop.  
I woke up screaming 'stop' and felt warm salty tears drip down my face. I then was aware of something curled around me, I kicked and struggled away, "No please!" I shouted.  
Arms held me down to a spot causing me to scream more, my vision was blurred.  
"Sam. It's okay. It's me." I heard Freddie said. I relaxed a bit, I realized he was the one holding me. I breathed in and out and tried to calm myself, I swiped my sleeve over my face wiping away my tears.  
Freddie held me tightly against his chest, I allowed it because I didn't want to admit it but I need someone to comfort me. That dream still lingered in my mind and made me shudder.  
"Can you tell me what happened?" Freddie murmured.  
"Just a bad dream." I said, pulling away from his hold. I sat up on the couch and pulled my knees up to my chest. "A very bad dream." I whispered.  
"Sam." Freddie said but I got up and walked into the kitchen. I stretched out my arms and yawned. I still felt a bit shaken up but I couldn't show that. I went for the fridge and opened it up searching for something to eat.  
I pulled out a frozen pizza and tore at the cardboard, I tapped the pizza. Well they don't call it frozen pizza for nothing. I stuck it on a pan and threw it in the oven, and set it for fifteen minutes.  
I put a hand on the back of my neck, I cringed when I felt slick sweat. I slid my hoodie off feeling relief when the cool air hit me. I wandered back out to the living room and rummaged through my bag of clothes and found a Las Vegas t-shirt. Before I could slip it on, Freddie stood up and grabbed one of my arms and looked at the cuts.  
Crap. I had forgotten about my cuts. I pulled it away and looked down at the ground. I pulled on the t-shirt and sat on the couch. I could still feel Freddie's gaze on me. I grabbed one of the couch pillows and chucked it at him, "Stop worrying about me." I said.  
He caught the pillow and settled down on the couch and sighed, "I will never stop worrying about you. Sam, you have deep gashes on your arms and you woke up screaming this morning. I'm not sure how I'm not supposed to worry about that."  
"Just don't." I muttered.  
"I've got to get home." He said softly. "I'll be back later." He got up and started towards the door.  
"I wont let you in." I grumbled, but he was already out the door. I got up and quickly locked it behind him.

I sat watching 'The Grudge' while nibbling on pizza when there was a knock on the Shays' door. I knew it was Freddie so I stayed in my place. He knocked several times, "Sam!" He called out.  
"No one's home." I growled.  
The knocking stopped and smiled with satisfaction. Suddenly my phone started to ring from its place on the coffee table, I picked it up and looked at the caller ID. It was my mom. I frowned, but decided to answer just for kicks.  
"What?" I snorted.  
"I know where you are. I have more planned for ya' missy." A male voice said. I froze. Terror shot through my veins. I hung up and threw me phone to the other side of the couch.  
The piece of pizza in my mouth got stuck in my throat. I coughed it up onto the floor but I still felt as though I couldn't breathe. He couldn't possibly know where I was, right?  
I coughed several more times, and I couldn't stop shivering. I stood up and held onto the arm of the couch trying to breathe, trying to keep calm. Just then the door opened and I screamed and collapsed to the ground. I didn't stop screaming until I saw that is was Freddie at the door not Rick.  
He rushed over to my side, I sat up and took in a deep breath. He cupped my face in his hands, "Sam, you've got to tell me what's going on." He whispered. I pulled his hands off my face and got up and backed away and shook my head.  
"You scared me, is all. I was watching a scary movie and you scared me." I said weakly.  
"Sam, please." He pleaded stepping closer.  
"Please what? You scared me, that's all that happened. You interrupted my movie, now if you don't mind I'm going to get back to it." I sat down and turned up the volume on the TV. I noticed the door was still open, "Can you close that...a-and lock it too?" I asked.  
He glanced at me and did as I asked. He took a seat on the couch only inches away from me. My phone began to ring again, I picked it up and looked at it. It said my mom, but I knew it'd be Rick. I threw it back at the couch and closed my eyes shuddering.  
I felt Freddie's hand gently touch my arm, "What's wrong? Who's calling you?" He asked.  
"No one." I murmured. "Can we just watch this movie?"  
He sighed and nodded.

We watched nearly ten movies before Freddie begged me to go out somewhere. We settled on going to Wendy's for an early supper.  
When we were in his car I finally asked a question that had bothered me, "How'd you even get into the apartment earlier?"  
"I have a key." He said. Which bugged me because Carly never gave me a key, did she not trust me? I wouldn't blame her, I don't even trust me.  
It was about five minutes in the car until we stopped, not at Wendy's. My apartment building. "What are we doing here?" I asked.  
"I'm taking you home so you can get clean clothes. You've been wearing the same things for days." He said.  
"I don't need clean clothes, come on now lets go to Wendy's you nub." I said looking outside. My eyes caught the sight of Rick, standing at a car which I guessed was his. My breath caught in my throat, I slid down in my seat. "Drive." I whispered.  
"What?" Freddie looked at me.  
"Drive drive drive." I whimpered. Rick caught my eyes and he took a few steps forward and saw who I was and he grinned. "Drive!" I screamed as Rick walked towards Freddie's car. "Please! Please!" I screamed.  
"Samantha!" Rick yelled at me.  
"Freddie!" I looked at him, I grabbed his arm.  
He glanced at Rick then started the car back up and drove away.  
"Sam who was that guy?" Freddie asked.  
"Take me back to Carly's." I said. I held my face in my hands trying to stop the tears and the shuddering.


	3. Chapter 3

**So here is chapter three. Thank you for the reviews! Not entirely sure if I'm going to do a chapter for or not. **

I rushed to Carly's apartment and quickly picked the lock, I had to get in and lock the door before Freddie could go about another round of questions. I luckily quickly got it unlocked, I pushed in and slammed the door behind me. Before I locked it I realized he had a key, he could get in if he wanted to whether it was locked or not.  
I groaned and went for the stairs and went into Carly's bedroom, I threw myself onto her bed. The events that took place gave me a sudden urge to carve into my skin again, I tried to fight it but I ended up slipping into the kitchen looking for a nice sharp knife.  
As I made my way to the bathroom Freddie entered the apartment. "Sam, can we please talk?"  
I got into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me and locked the door. He didn't have a key to this door. I jumped up onto the counter and got into a comfortable position.  
I put the tip of the knife to my arm and pushed in, grunting at the slight pain. I drew the knife across my arm feeling some kind of relief to the pain. I held my arm over the sink so the blood wouldn't stain anything.  
I heard a sudden knock at the door. "Go away." I grumbled. I made another cut on my arm, making it quicker this time. I winced and then went in for another enjoying the relief.  
There was another knock. "Come out." Freddie said.  
"I'm going to the bathroom. Go away." I said.  
Another cut.  
I started to feel a tad bit dizzy, but it didn't stop me. Rick's face popped up in my head and I slashed a deep cut into my arm, too painful, I cried out.  
I dropped the knife into the sink and held my arm wincing in pain.  
"Sam!" Freddie shouted banging on the door.  
"Stubbed my toe." I said weakly. I grabbed paper towels and wrapped them around my arm. I tried to walk to the door but my vision became fuzzy and I was becoming very dizzy. I stumbled to the ground and made a strangled cry. "I'm fine." I murmured pressing my forehead to the tiled floor.  
No you're not, I told myself. I tried hard to keep my self conscious but it became too much of a struggle and my arm hurt so much and the paper towels were soaked in blood. I pulled myself up and unlocked the door and managed to get it open. "Freddie." I murmured feeling tears roll down my cheeks.  
"Sam!" He shouted and caught me as I fell.  
I felt so much pain my brain couldn't process it all. "Don't take me to a hospital." I whispered.  
"I'm not listening to any of your suggestions." He swung my legs over one arm and rested my head on his other and rushed out of the apartment.  
I struggled to get out of his arms, "No...please." I whispered, then passed out.

I woke up in a bed. But thankfully not a hospital bed, my arm was bandaged up tightly. I blinked sleep from my eyes and looked around, the place looked familiar. It was Freddie's room. I sat up and crossed my legs. I ran a hand through my hair, it was damp with sweat.  
I needed to get out of here, I didn't care if I had to go back to my apartment I needed to get out of Freddie's apartment. I slid my legs off the bed and got to my feet, I felt a bit shaky but I could manage. I found my converse near the door, I slipped them on and quickly tied them up.  
I cracked the door open and peaked out, Freddie and his mom were talking. Crap. I turned around spotting a window that led to the fire escape. I quietly crawled out the window and not caring to shut it. There was a pang in my stomach when I remembered my first kiss here with Freddie.  
I shook it away and proceeded to escape.

The air was cold as I stepped out of the cab and onto the sidewalk next to my apartment building. I slowly trudged inside and climbed the stairs to my apartment. I pulled the key from underneath the welcome mat. I unlocked the door and stepped inside. No one was home. I breathed a sigh of relief.  
I wandered to my room and picked out some new clothes and made my way to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and hopped in. I was grateful for the nice warm water, I hadn't taken a shower in a while. I hadn't thought to take one at Carly's.  
I heard the door to the apartment open and I froze. I quickly turned off the shower and got out. I wrapped a towel around myself, I stepped out into the hallway and peered out into the living room. My mom and Rick were laughing stumbling inside. My mom saw me and her eyes widened, "There you are, you whore!" She shouted. I slammed the door shut and held tightly onto the door knob.  
"Come out Sammy." I heard Rick chuckle. It was quiet for a bit and then the door knob jerked to the side and I fell backwards. Rick stood there holding a beer in his hand. "Hello there." He smiled.  
"Get away from me!" I shouted and kicked him in the shin. He shrieked and threw the beer bottle at me. It hit me in the head and shattered spilling beer all over me. I held my head in pain and felt blood trickle down from a cut on my hairline.  
"Easy access." He sneered and yanked away my towel. I cried out as he pushed me up against the tub. "It'll all be over soon." He grinned.

So much pain. So much agony. My innocence was so beyond gone. It had been pushed about and then shredded up until it didn't even exist. It was an hour before he finally stopped, before he stumbled out into the living room where he started yelling at my mom.  
I was left curled up with my towel whimpering. My bandages were beginning to peel off my arm. I hurt so bad in several places.  
It took me hours until I could pull myself together and crawl into my room. To pull on long pants and a hoodie, I just wanted to cover up everything. I stuck a band-aid on the cut on my head and tried to re adjust the bandage on my arm. Then I ran out of the apartment, down the sidewalk and to Freddie's.  
I knocked on his door. I was so tired and sore I had to lean against it so I wouldn't fall over. The door opened and I grabbed onto Freddie who answered it. I wrapped my arms around him and held on tight letting out loud sobs. He wrapped an arm around me and stroked my hair, "Oh Sam." He murmured, and kissed the top of my head. "Let's go to Carly's." He whispered. He kept an arm slung around me and shut the door to his apartment and unlocked the Shay's.  
He led me to the couch and sat me down. "I was so worried about you, Sam. I didn't know where you'd gone." He said.  
"I'm ready to talk." I said hoarsely.  
"Later." He said. I nodded and stretched out on the couch. Freddie tucked a blanket over me and sat by my head and stroked my hair. He gently touched the bandage on my forehead and shook his head. I fell asleep only minutes later.

I woke up to a dark quiet room. I sat up and looked around, "Freddie?" I whispered.  
"I'm here." He said walking from the kitchen with a bowl in his hands. He set it down on the coffee table in front of me. "I made you some soup." He said, biting his lip.  
I smiled and I went to take a sip, feeling a wave of nausea. I gagged and held my stomach. "I-I can't." I whispered, clutching my stomach.  
"Its okay." He said softly. "Are you ready to talk?"  
I nodded and leaned back on the couch. "My mom got a new boyfriend. I had a bad feeling about him from the start. He looked and smelled nasty, was a big creep...I tried to avoid him by staying here with Carly." I said in a low voice. I felt my stomach twist up as I tried to tell the next part, "But I went back that one time and he...was there and...h-he" My words got caught in my throat. And I felt tears threaten at the back of my eyes.  
Freddie gently touched my shoulder, his eyes were wide. "Sam..." He paused taking a deep breath, "Did he rape you?"  
The tears spilled down my cheeks and I nodded, "Last night too." I sobbed. He threw his arms around me and held onto my tightly.  
I held onto him tightly and continued to cry. I couldn't stop it, I just wanted all of this to be gone, to not have happen. I felt Freddie tense up, "That sick bastard." I hear him mutter.  
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I whispered. "I just...couldn't."  
"It's okay, it's okay." He soothed gently rubbing my back.  
After a while of silence Freddie spoke up, "We need to report him to the police."  
I shook my head, "I don't want him after me, no."  
"Sam, he deserves to be locked up for what he did to you! He's a sick, sick, _sick_ bastard! If I ever got my hands on him..." By the end of his shouting he was on his feet.  
"Please no. I just want to wait until my mom breaks up with him. Please." I pleaded.  
"Sam no! He's gone way too far and I will not let him get away with it!" He exclaimed.  
"No! This is _my_ problem! I can deal with it. This is why I didn't tell you!" I yelled. I felt tears well in my eyes and I covered my face. Just then Freddie hauled me to my feet and pressed his lips against mine. At first I was surprised and I tensed but eventually I kissed him back wrapping my arms around his neck as he wrapped his around my waist.  
After a while Freddie pulled away but held me tightly against him, "It's my problem too, Sam, because... _I love you_." He whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's chapter four! Thank you for all the reviews! I think I'll still continue after this, but I'm unsure of where I'll stop. **

"I'm not going." I said.

"I'm not going to force you." Freddie said gently. "But after school you are coming with me to the police department."

I sighed, "I'll think about it, but don't even think about getting me to go to school, that's the last place I want to be right now."

Freddie nodded and grabbed his backpack from where he left it at the front door, "I have to go." He glanced at me.

"Goodbye nub." I smirked. He smiled and walked out the door, closing and locking it behind him. I felt a tad bit awkward ever since those three little words had escaped Freddie's lips. Who knew such tiny words could carry so much weight to them?

We hadn't talked about those words, not the kiss either. It wasn't something I felt like talking about anyway. I don't really know why it happened or why I actually enjoyed it, but it was the least of my worries.

I had Rick in my mind, which always brought a grimace to my face. The name itself seemed to jab at my stomach. It wasn't that he was the first to try something like that, only the first to actually do it. My mother had several creepy men like Rick. There were alot who tried to make a pass at me and do what he wanted with me. But usually I got away or my mom still had some sense left and got whichever man to stop it.

Those left me frightened, but Rick. Rick left me scarred. Scarred with memories and pains that wouldn't ever go away. And the urge to hack at my arm with a kitchen knife. Even the occasional thought of suicide that always left me feeling guilty.

I curled up on the couch and reached for the remote, and flipped on the TV. I found myself watching a romantic comedy which I indeed cursed myself for. I only lied there for a half an hour before I was wondering around Carly's apartment.

I stretched out my legs and chewed at a stray poptart I found in th cabinet. I wandered upstairs and into the iCarly studio. It was dark with only a little light coming from the window. It seemed so quiet and empty. It felt like centuries since our last show, and I realized how much I missed it.

"Soon." I murmured to myself. I sat in the car seat that sat across the room, and it felt so normal. It gave me back the reality I liked, the memories I enjoyed having.

I got up and made my way to the window and leaned against it, looking out at the street below. How easy would it be to pull it open and just jump out and land too the end of my life. To just jump and leave everything behind.

Without thinking I pushed open the window and leaned forward. So many cars, so high up. "Just one jump." I whispered.

_I love you._

I turned around expecting Freddie but it was only a strong replay of those words that had stuck in my brain. I wished Freddie had been there behind me, saying those words yet again. I wish he would hold me in his arms and...

I stopped it, I didn't want to think about. I wish it hadn't even happened, me and Freddie weren't supposed to be more than friends. We were barely even friends in the first place.

_You wouldn't have to worry if you just...jumped._

I tempted myself, which led me back to leaning over the window sill. Maybe it could be explained I was only looking out and I fell. Just simply fell to my death. Sure there might be some tears shed over my bloody corpse on the sidewalk, but soon it would only be distant memory at the back of everyone's mind.

No one would really miss me.

_Just one little jump._

I spent most of my day sprawled out on Carly's bed reading all of her stupid girly magazines. The cable was out and I was stuck to reading, such an awful fate. I even eyed one of Carly's books wonderingly.

I threw all of the magazines to the floor and glanced at the time. Only an hour before school would be let out. Before Freddie would be here. I tried to push away the thought of him walking in and kissing me 'hello'.

"Too many girly magazines." I grumbled under my breath.

I slid underneath the blankets and curled up with my thoughts. I eventually slipped into sleep.

_"At least your mother doesn't complain." Rick grunted as I screamed trying to push him off. _

_ "Please please! I'm only seventeen!" I cried. He just laughed and went in even rougher, causing me to scream and cry even more. _

_ I swiped my nails across his face and he pinned my arms up against the side of the bathtub. He leaned in to press his gross sweaty lips against mine, causing bile to rise in my throat. _

_ "Stop! Stop!" I shouted._

I woke up as a hand touched my shoulder, I screamed and pushed it away. "Stop! Please!" I screamed in terror.

"Shh, it was just a dream." I heard Freddie say. I glanced around my eyes training to Freddie sitting on the bed next to me. I felt the wetness of tears on my face and sweat running down my back.

I sat up and brushed the hair that stuck to my face back. I pulled my damp tangly hair into a pony tail and got up from the Carly's bed. "I was just taking a nap." I said numbly.

I jumped as Freddie reached for my hand. He apologized and looked down at the ground. "Are you ready to go to the police station?" He asked.

I turned around, "No." I said shakily.

He sighed and clasped his hands together he began to say something but stopped himself. "Okay." He said. He got up off the bed. "My mom wants me home tonight, so I have to go." He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my forehead and left the room and then the apartment.

I don't know what set off the tears, or I didn't want to admit what had set them off.

The fact that Freddie left me here alone.

I walked numbly to the bathroom and took off the bandages from my arm, hesitating, wondering if I could just walk into the kitchen in search for a knife and go once more.

But I didn't, instead I pulled new bandages from the drawer and wrapped my arm up. I stood in the bathroom for several moments, staring blankly at the tiled floor. Not even a thought coming in mind, just complete blankness.

I finally snapped out of it and wandered around looking for my hoodie, I slipped it on and slightly paced in front of the door wondering if I should go out or not. I decided to because I needed to get out, get fresh air, walk around. Something.

I decided to go to the nearest food store and pick up some beef jerky and then go to KFC for supper. It only took ten minutes to wander to a store and pick out the cheapest bag of beef jerky and ring it up.

I took a cab to KFC, nibbling on my jerky the way there. I felt a slight comfort at the small trip around town, it kept my mind off of the current events and on food. Sweet food, it truly was my best friend.

When the car stopped in front of the fried chicken place I paid the driver and was out quickly. I counted the money I had left, unsure whether or not I'd have enough for chicken and a drive back home. I didn't really care though, all I knew is that my stomach longed for nice warm fried chicken.

When I got my chicken I sat at one of the tables and gnawed on it hungrily watching out the window at the setting sun. I was interrupted by two boy bumping into me. They laughed and invited themselves into the two seats in front of me.

I glared at them both. "What the fudge do you guys think you're doing?" I growled.

"Sitting 'cross a hot babe." One mused.

"I don't have time to talk to dweebs like you." I grumbled, continuing to eat.

"Oh, so harsh." One said dramatically. I rolled my eyes and darted my eyes away from them. Then one scooted over to my side and flung an arm around me, I instantly batted it away and stood up. I hovered over him.

"Go away you stupid bastards." I scowled.

"Make me." The one said as if he were a four years old.

"Oh yeah?" I smirked then grabbed his arm and flung him down onto the table. He screamed out in pain, like a little girl to her mommy. The other boy got up and ran, while the one I had just smacked against the table groaned in pain calling out for help.

I was kicked out of KFC, and asked to never return. I ended up sucking it up and walking the whole way back to Carly's, when I was steamed like this it was best I walked it off without having to communicate with anyone.

If only I had that type of strength with Rick, to push him away and escape. But all I had then was fear, and not enough anger.

I brushed the thought away as it began to make be feel sick to my stomach.

I didn't get back to the apartment building until ten at night. My legs and feet ached and I nearly collapsed by the door as I tried to pick the lock.

I got inside and fell down and held my legs moaning in pain. I was able to drag myself over to the couch and haul myself on top of it and stretch out. I felt worn out and sore but not tired. It seemed all I did lately was sleep and mope around.

I had taken a long nap and now all drowsiness had flown elsewhere. I just turned on the TV and enjoyed my secret obsession of Galaxy Wars for several hours before finally falling asleep.

"Clara!" A voice woke me.

I opened my eyes, and looked around. "Hello?" I mumbled.

"Doctor!" Another voice.

I laughed at myself and glanced at the TV. Doctor Who was on and I was responding to it. "If only the voice was real, and such a man were here." I grinned to myself.

I sat up on the couch and looked at the digital clock below the TV. It was midnight.

I reached underneath the coffee table for my stuff, and pulled out my new bag of jerky. I sat for a while watching Doctor Who re-runs and eating beef jerky.

I had never told anyone about my obsession with sci-fi movies and shows, because who would? Freddie. If I told him I wouldn't hear the last of it, so I kept it to myself and enjoyed it. I'd sit up late in my room at my apartment watching all kinds of space adventure, alien, galactic stuff on my Pearphone.

Just then someone knocked on the door. I paused looking at it, waiting for something. Another knock. My heart quickened, who could it be? Was Carly back? No. She wouldn't knock on her own door.

I got up and tiptoed to the door, I went to look through the peephole but the door opened and pushed me onto the floor. I kicked my feet out against the door to shut it and heard a yelp of pain. Freddie.

I stopped and sat still on my place on the ground. I felt the urge to scream ball up in my stomach, but I held it down. I didn't know why I wanted to scream, or why I wanted to just slam the door close and curl up in a ball on the couch. "Freddie." I said firmly.

"Sam?" He responded coming into my vision. He shut the door behind me and looked at me.

"Thought you were..." I said, shaking my head. He offered me his hand to pull me up but I pushed myself up and turned away from him, trying to gather myself. I felt the scream rise into my throat and clamped my hands over my mouth.

"I'm sorry if I scared you." Freddie murmured.

I turned around to face him, still holding my face. The scream rose to my mouth, then finally escaped my lips. I screamed, my head down, my hands clutching my head.

_"I can't be the first to do this, eh?" Rick smirked, "You're just like your own slutty mother."_

"No! No, no, no!" I screamed at the flashback. I opened my eyes, and stopped screaming. I tried to breathe. I was lying on the ground and Freddie held onto my arm looking at me trying to call to me.

"Sam." He said.

I blinked, breathe. One two, breathe. One two, breathe.

"Sam?" He whispered.

"I'm fine." I said, relaxing my body on the ground. "I'm fine."

"No you're not." Freddie stated.

"Yes I am." I said with no emotion. No anger, fear, sadness. Nothing. I got up pulled myself away from Freddie and wandered up the stairs. My mind was elsewhere, in some kind of place just waiting as my feet took my along. Up the stairs and into the iCarly studio. I couldn't even feel anything, my body just plopped itself down in one of the beanbag chairs.

"Sam."

Stop talking.

"Do you even want me here, do you want me to just not care? I feel like I mean nothing to you."

Stop.

"I'm trying to help you, I'm sorry you've been done wrong, I'm trying to help you feel better."

Stop it, just don't talk. Stop.

"And you just sit around not doing anything about him. I want to put this sick person to justice, I want him dead even!"

Once again my body took over, my brain just lazily watched. I stood up and flung Freddie down onto the bean bag. Before he could say anything or yell anything I was down with him, my lips hard against his. I don't even know if he was kissing back, I was on offense attacking his lips with mine. Eventually I felt his lips reaching to mine and his hands work up my back to my hair.

Freddie pressed me tightly against him taking over control. He went in for deep passionate kisses, more and more until we were making out. My brain watched, screaming for us to stop. My body just continued to kiss Freddie, to work my hands through his hair and want more of him. Freddie's hands wandered down my sides down onto my hips.

_Rick ran his sweaty rough hands all over my body. Down my sides, my legs, pinching and squeezing. By then I had stopped screaming, my throat was too sore. His hands continued to search my body and make me sick. _

I stopped kissing and my brain kicked back in, I gasped and felt myself choking for air as the flashback swirled with the present. I'm kissing Freddie, not Rick. Stop. Stop. Don't flip out again, it'll only make Freddie more worried.

I pushed myself up, and looked at Freddie, panting. He looked at me questionably, "Sam?" He asked softly.

_"Sam. Samantha. Do a pleasurable squeal for me, huh?" Rick laughed at me. When I didn't do as he said he pushed his knee up hitting me in the jaw. _

I gasped and grasped my jaw and fell against Freddie's chest. I felt shivers vibrate through my body.

"Sam?" Freddie said urgently pulling me up to look at my face. "What's going on?"

I couldn't move, just limply hung where he held me up. I glanced at him, trying to hide the fear and desperation in my eyes. I tried to hold back the tears that itched at the back of my eyes.

I didn't know what to say, I didn't want to lie. But I didn't want to tell him that his wandering hands made memories of that night of Rick pop up. How could I say that? How could I tell him the memories kept coming back and overwhelmed me? Or that I stood by the window and thought about jumping?

I just couldn't tell him anything, but I wanted to.

"Please, Sam. I want to help you." He said, his soft deep voice digging at my heart. I looked at him, silently begging him to stop questioning and to let me go. He pulled me up on his chest so his face was only inches away from mine. "Do I have to say those words again to get you to believe me?"

_I love you._

"Do you want me to say it back or something?" I said my mouth felt so dry and I barely realized I had spoken. Freddie just sighed and shook his head as if he were my teacher and I answered a question wrong for the billionth time. I pushed up with my arms holding myself up again. "What do you want from me then?" I asked agitated.

He relaxed back in the beanbag chair and gazed at me, the look of disappointment on his face. "I want you to trust me." He said tiredly. I looked at him fiercely, I couldn't trust anybody. I wish he'd know that. That I simply can't trust someone in fear they'll break that trust. But maybe Freddie was enough for me to...

My mind drifted off and I felt too tired to argue anymore. To think anymore or bare the rushing memories that haunted me. My arms gave way and I once again laid against Freddie's chest. "Why'd you come to Carly's apartment at midnight?" I whispered.

"I wanted to see that you were safe before I could go to sleep." He said.

"Why?" I questioned. I heard him let out a sort of laugh.

"Those words, Sam. The words you don't seem to believe." He murmured.

"I do." I said relaxing into a comfortable position on his warm and safe chest.

"How's that?" He asked in such a way it seemed he was asking himself.

"Because I-I love you too." I said shakily. I saw a smile curl on his lips. There was silence before Freddie began to stir and try to get up but I held him down. "No." I said without thinking. "I want to sleep here. Where I feel safe."


	5. Chapter 5

Freddie had fallen asleep, but I couldn't sleep. Too much bubbled in my head, I had to lay there and think. Lay there on Freddie, his arms holding me to his chest. Once again I hated myself, so much. I made out with him, told him I loved him, and now I was resting ontop of him.

It's not that I had lied when I had told him...that. It was the truth, but a truth he was not to know. I didn't want to kiss him again either, because whatever was between us needed to be put to a stop. My body just needed him, as if he were some type of drug. My brain said no but my body ignored it and went for it. Went for his lips and mouth...and tongue.

Any further urges my body wanted to do with him my brain was able to hold back, thankfully. I was afraid if I tried to do something like that with Freddie he'd give in and then I'd end up so distraught and angry with myself I'd be at the window and then next on the sidewalk.

I wanted him though, so much I wanted to keep kissing those soft sweet lips of his. I couldn't though, and it worried me he'd keep kissing me and hugging me. All of that, but I couldn't and I'd hurt him. Then myself.

I suddenly jerked up from Freddie's hold, I got to my feet and felt my head spinning. I couldn't think, I wasn't. My vision danced around and I barely heard Freddie groggily call my name.

I just stumbled to the window, hitching it open. The cool air whipped me back a few steps. Then my arms pulled me through the window, my torso hung out of the apartment into the danger of falling.

"Sam!" Freddie shouted behind me. I felt his hand grip my calves, but I continued to push myself forward, feeling my stomach tighten at every inch I got closer to falling. To dying.

"Sam! Sam! Stop!" Freddie was shouting at the top of his lungs.

What was I doing? This isn't right. I need to stop, I can't die. I don't even want to die, why am I even doing this? My body was on a rage of impulses. It didn't stop though, I continued to try to pull myself out.

My whole top half was hanging over the edge, my hands scraped the side of the building.

"Sam!" Freddie screamed. I tried hard to overpower his pull at my legs, my waist was now out of the window and I felt my stomach drop and I felt bile try to make its way out of my lips but I choked on it, leading myself into a coughing fit.

I lost the battle and I was pulled in, my nose getting hit on the way. I cried out in pain, still coughing. I finally managed to upchuck the bile onto the floor. My mouth tasted foul and my eyes stung with tears I didn't realize had come.

My eyes caught Freddie only inches away from me, his eyes were watering, tears filled to the brim. He pulled me into him, squeezing tightly. I felt my nose begin to throb and gasped. He let me go and examined my face, not even stopping for a lecture he scooped me up in his arms and walked swiftly to the bathroom.

He sat me on the counter and switched on the lights. His face and eyes were red, and I saw him slightly shivering. I hadn't meant to frighten him, or even wake him. I didn't even mean to try to plunge over the window, but my body did these things anyway.

I felt blood trickle from my nose, I pinched it close and grimaced.

"I'm taking you to the hospital. It looks broken." He said, gently tracing his finger over my nose.

"It's fine." I whispered, pushing his hand away.

"Sam, no it's not. This is it. You're now threatning your life, and I don't care if you don't want to live but _I _want you too." He said angrily, staring right into my eyes.

"Samantha Puckett?" A perky blonde called. I held my nose and moaned. Freddie pulled me up from my chair in the waiting area of the hospital.

I raised my hand, looking at the blonde. She smiled and waved, "Hello! Come along with me and we'll get you all fixed up."

I almost snorted but I figured it would hurt and wouldn't be worth it. So I settled with rolling my eyes. Freddie elbowed me, "Be nice." He murmured. I glared at him and rejected his hand trying to grasp mine. I crossed my arms loosely over my chest.

We were led through a few bright hallways that smelled of bandages and medicine and were brough to a small room. The blonde patted the examining table for me to sit. I hestitantly pulled myself up onto it, the paper crinkling underneath me.

Freddie took a seat in one of the chairs at the other side of the room. "The doctor will see you soon." The blonde smiled and was out the door.

"Don't see any blue police box..." I mumbled.

Freddie stared at me, "What did you say?"

Crap. There I go slowly revealing my deepest darkest secrets. "Nothing." I felt my cheeks reddening.

"Samantha Puckett did you just make a Doctor Who reference?" Freddie mused.

I leaned back and curled up on the exaiming table, "Shutup." I covered my face with my hands. Freddie was silent, as was I. For several minutes, all the way up to when the doctor walked in cutting the silence.

"Hello I'm Dr. Wallun. What seems to be the problem?" The tall husky man asked.

I sat up and crossed my legs and tapped my nose gently. He nodded and set his clipboard down and swiftly checked over the papers. He walked over to examine my nose, even though it was bloody and bruised and crooked. He adjusted his index finger and thumb on the sides and jerked it a bit. I screamed and turned away from him.

"We'll get it cleaned up, bandaged up and have a prescription ready for you." Dr. Wallun announced. I glared at him and he ignored me and picked up his clipboard and was out the door.

I gently grazed my fingers over my nose, grimacing at the pain. I glanced at Freddie, he had his eyes one me, and I felt as though they'd been there for a while. I knew sooner or later all of his question would spew out of his mouth, then the scolding and lecturing.

I hoped I'd be drugged up enough to endure it without punching him in the face. I know jumping out of a window is wrong, I just couldn't stop myself. I couldn't pull myself away, as if something was dragging me there to my death.

Death was waiting for me, it was my time and my brain didn't understand. Only did my body know, and it tried to get there to my final destination.

Maybe not. Who knew?

"I don't know what to do anymore." Freddie whispered on our drive home. "I don't know how to keep you safe, make you feel better, or know anything of what I should do."

I kept my lips sealed, and my eyes kept their hold out of the window. I leaned back in my chair, feeling so sleepy. It was three in the morning and I barely had gotten sleep last night or tonight. Only little hour naps that were haunted by my nightmares and made me only more exhausted.

"I'm sorry." My voice was shaky and weak. I hated it, I hated feeling so weak and helpless. I hated being afraid and crying in front of people, because that wasn't me. I was the laugh it off kind of person, someone to forget and move on. But this had seemed to suck my energy away and leave me with anxiety and tears.

He didn't reply, just remained silent keeping his eyes on the road. Once again my mind wandered off into dark thoughts that were set on bringing me to my fate. The idea of slowly reaching for the door handle and quickly pushing it open and flinging myself out onto the road.

My hands itched to grab the handle, but I was able to hold them back. My whole body itched, itched to jump out and die.

"I feel as if..." I began, my voice scratchy. "I feel like death is waiting for me. It's pushing my body to the window sill and trying to push me over. Yet you ruin death's wishes and pull me back in. And now..." My hand grabbed the door handle. "Stop! Stop the car!" I screamed, before my body could try again.

Freddie skidded to a halt and I pushed out of the car and got on my hands and knees on the road. I sat there panting, trying to breathe. My fists beat against the asphalt, soon becoming bloody. Then Freddie pulled me back in and strapped me into my seat tightly.

My eyes were blurry when I opened them, I hadn't even realized I had fallen asleep, nor that I had moved from Freddie's car to Carly's couch. Carly's couch, resting on Freddie's chest. I tensed and tried to move but his arms held me down. "Not this time." He murmured. It was dark, and almost completely silent.

I pulled up again, breaking free from his arms. I got up and stretched out my arms, and ran a finger over my bandaged nose. He reached out and grabbed my hand. "I'm hungry." I groaned, swiping away my hand from his grasp. Freddie got up and I could make out his eyes in the dark, he was looking at me. My body wanted to pushed him back down and begin another makeout session, but I was able to hold back.

He stood up and took my hand back in his and pulled me along to the kitchen. He let go of my hand to pull out a chair for me. "I'm not going to rope you down, so stay put." He said sleepily.

"I'm not going to try anything." I said. But I couldn't assure that, I never knew what my body would try next. The urge to cut myself kept popping up, making my hand twitch and my thoughts get mixed up and foggy. "I'll try not to." I added quietly.

Within a few minutes there was a bowl of ramen noodles sitting in front of me. Freddie switched on the lights, he looked absolutely adorable, but I tried to ignore that fact. "Sit out in the living room." I blurted out. I hadn't meant to, it was only I wish I had. I wanted to ignore him and try to ignore the feelings I had for him. This was all so ridiculous.

"No, Sam. I don't trust you by yourself." He said flatly. I frowned and picked up my fork and poked at the steaming noodles.

"I don't want to die. But something does. A-And I think it's what is meant to happen." I said to myself but too loud.

"This is because of that man..." Freddie began.

"No! Stop! I don't want to talk about that!" I cried out, dropping the fork and clutching my head. The memories flooded back, as if they'd been held back by a dam and Freddie just broke them free. My fists beated against the table as screams began to flutter from my mouth.

_"Ow! Please!" I was crying, screaming again. " P-Please..." I was a mess. My face was soaked with tears, so much pain Rick forced into me. Physical and emotional. Rick just kept at it, no doubt he was enjoying every second of it._

"Stop!" I screamed, but stopped. Once again time escaped as a memory was thrown at me and I was in Freddie's arms. He held me on the kitchen floor, rocking me back in forth. I heard his low whispering, to himself.

My throat felt raw and I kept my voice borrowed away.

"Sam." Freddie said, he looked at me then hugged me, pressing his face into my hair. "Oh, Sam. Please tell me what to do." He begged.

"Let me die." I managed to whisper. 


	6. Chapter 6

**This is my last chapter for this story. Warning, if you don't like sad endings don't read, or at least please don't complain. Anyway, pretty sure this is the last (unless I decided to make a epilogue) Thank you guys for all your reviews and support, I really appreciate it!**

Freddie squeezed me tighter, "Don't say that." He said. I just sat there limply in his arms not moving or saying anything. "You're just going through a very rough time, but you can make it through this."

_"Mmmmm. This should happen on a regular basis." Rick moaned in pleasure. I couldn't feel anything, I felt so numb and torn up. I felt as if I weren't even alive, or at least slowly dying. My shoulders were bruised by now, Rick held on them so hard so I wouldn't escape._

I felt tears slide down my cheeks, with every flashback came another punch in the gut, and a pull towards death. I wish it had never happened, I wish these things didn't have to happen to me. I tried to choke back my sobs but they came out loudly and hoarsely.

Freddie held me there, rocking me. I continued to sob until I couldn't any longer. My throat was so raw, and burned like hell. Those sobs though, had been held in too long.

Freddie carried me to Carly's room and tucked me in, he leaned over to kiss my cheek. My hand shot out and pulled him down onto the bed next to me. I tried to say 'stay', but I couldn't manage it, so I just held him down to the spot. I held as tightly as I could until I was able to fall asleep.

When I woke up Freddie was gone, and my phone, which I hadn't seen for days sat on the bedstand. I grabbed it and looked at the lock screen, there was a text from Freddie. I unlocked my phone and quickly went into my messages.

Sam, I'm at the police station, please come down here.

I told him I was never going to try and testify against Rick. I told him, and now here he was breaking our deals. I felt anger gnaw at my stomach, but I didn't want to be mad at Freddie. But I couldn't even look at him, I wasn't going down there, I didn't even want to stay at Carly's apartment anymore in fear of him coming back. Scolding me for not putting Rick to justice.

I didn't care, if he wanted me to solve this I will. My own way.

I stepped out of the taxi, once again standing outside my apartment building. I had my hands stuck in my jeans pockets, one clutching onto a butcher knife. The knife I hoped I could make end Rick's sick worthless life.

I wasn't stupid, I wasn't going to just go in there and stab the guy then get sent to prison for life. No, I was smart and had a plan.

When I entered the building I felt dread weigh down on me, what if he was expecting me and was already ready to do once again what he had twice before. Or maybe he wasn't there any longer, maybe he was smart and got away before anything could be done about him.

When I stepped into my apartment I wasn't surprised to see Rick sitting on sofa drinking a can of beer watching car races. When he saw me he looked as surprised as I felt. "Samantha. So nice of ya' to join me." He sneered.

I remained silent, my stomach dropped, and I held onto my knife even tighter. "Yer' mom's been lookin' for you. Where've ya' been darling?" He got to his feet and stretched out his arms.

"Away from this hellhole." I growled.

He just grinned, churning the insides of my stomach. He hobbled over to me and laid a hand on my cheek, which I right away pushed off. I back away, knocking into the door. Rick frowned and grabbed at the collar of my t-shirt and pulled it down of my shoulder. I pulled out my knife and swiped it across his face.

He shouted out in pain and tumbled backwards onto the ground. I was on him quickly getting a jab into his shoulder, sending him howling with pain. He got ahold of my hand that wielded the knife and he tugged away at the knife. I jerked it towards his face, chipping off the tip of his nose.

His fist plowed into the side of my head. I fell over and my vision blurred and my head spun. I tried to get to my feet but I felt Rick's foot kick me back over onto the ground. Within seconds he was looming over me, his disgusting breath stirring in my ear. I pushed him off and retrieved the knife and got a stab closer to his heart, which stopped him.

He gasped and clutched the chest of his shirt as blood dribbled out. His face quickly began to turn pale and he passed out. I knew he wasn't done yet though, only on break. I felt my hand shake as I held the knife out behind me, and I threw my arm out and plunged the knife deep into his chest. Then again, and again, and again. So many times did I sink that blade into that sick bastard's flesh.

His whole body spasmed and his eyes rolled around in his head. And the blood...it was soaking all of his shirt and the carpet around him. I felt my stomach shoot bile into my throat and soon enough I was puking out onto the floor.

My eyes locked onto my hands, splattered with blood. My breathing increased and I felt my head spin more, until I couldn't even stay conscious, until I passed out.

My eyes fluttered opened and let out a breath that had felt trapped before. I got up and stood, trying not to fall down. It had only been a few minutes. My whole body trembled, and my stomach once again heaved up any food I had recently eaten.

I clutched my stomach, staring at Rick's pale limp body. I had to clear my mind and continue with my plan, otherwise I'd be screwed for the rest of my life.

I found my knife on the floor, sitting in a pool of blood. I held it and took a deep breath then rested the tip onto my upper arm, hesitating. Then it went in and I dragged it swiftly down to my wrist, I held down the scream in my throat.

The knife fell from my hand and I clutched my arm, trying to keep from screaming or crying. I started to tremble even more, I tried to stop it, tried to contain myself.

I sat there for a few minutes, focusing on breathing. I was afraid I'd forget and end up suffocating. I just wanted to wake up, wake up from everything. Nothing felt real any longer, everything kept dissolving in front of me.

I tucked my face away into my hands, not sure it was tears or blood I felt on my hands. My mind had already coordinated with my body on what I was to do next, but my soul didn't want it, I didn't want it.

I held my phone in my hand, smearing blood on the screen and back as I dialed Freddie's number. It felt like eternity before he answered.

"Hello?" He said.

"I'm sorry." I breathed.

"It's fine, Sam. We can go another day, I told the police what happened, they just need your conformation." He said calmly.

I shook my head and sobbed into the phone, "Not that."

"What's going?" Freddie asked.

I laughed bitterly, managing to suppress my foolish blubbering. "I don't even know."

"Sam?"

I dropped my phone, and stared blankly at the knife on the ground, taking a few seconds to think.

"Sam? What's going on?" Freddie's voice came from my phone. I didn't bother to drop the call.

My fingers wrapped around it loosely, I could barely get much of grip with my body shaking so badly.

"Sam!?" Freddie exclaimed.

"Bye." I said, unsure whether or not Freddie had heard. My hand then gripped the knife tightly and plunged it deep below my chest. I screamed, so loudly I screamed. The whole room must have been vibrating from the sound. The pain was indescribable. The worst sensation ever, I wished for my death to be there already.

"SAM?! SAM!?" I barely heard Freddie screaming.

My body began to shake violently, my screams becoming more loud and rapid. My breath began to escape me until I couldn't circulate air into my lungs any longer. I felt my hand reach out into the air, then my whole body shutdown and there was blackness.

My eyes opened, but not my eyes. They weren't my physical ones, because those were in front of me, still attached to my limp body. The limp body that looked similar to Rick's lying only a few feet away.

When I looked down I saw my body, but how could I be here and down there? Yet I couldn't feel anything, my body was some sort of floating cloud just passing by. Was I dead? Was this what being dead was like?

I bent down to touch my physical self that seemed to be dead on the floor. My hand didn't feel anything but a mist. I couldn't feel anything with my out-of-body hand. I barely could tell if I was moving or not.

I could hear though, the sounds of Freddie's screams from my phone. They seemed muffled though, as if cotton balls were stuck in my ears. And everything seemed bright and shiny, and in somewhat of a slow motion.

I would of felt afraid if I could feel. Instead I just floated there, a soul slowly escaping from its body.

Time seemed to pass quickly as I watched my body lie on the ground, slowly bleeding out every drop of blood it contains. I don't know why I did this, I shouted out several times but there was no sound.

The door busted open, two men rushed in. I decided they were paramedics, one got down to check out my body, the other checked out Rick's.

All I could do is watch.

My eyes raked over the doorway. A man stood there holding someone back. _My mom._ She was screaming and kicking to get in.

_"It's my baby! My baby!" _She cried. She wasn't talking about me, no. She was talking about the dead bastard on the floor next to me. The man pushed her back then shut the door behind him, he joined the guy that was investigating my body.

They were talking but the words got mixed up into a tangled echo that I couldn't understand.

"_She's still alive!_" One yelled at the others. I stared at my body, I looked so far away from alive, I didn't see how it was possible. I reached out to touch the once paramedic, I felt mist again but the man looked back abruptly. I backed away, he looked right through me. I tried to call out to him, but my words were again lost.

They rolled my body onto a stretcher and hoisted me up, I glanced over at Rick whom still laid on the floor. He must be dead. Good.

My vision became more poor and it become very bright I felt my mouth open to scream, my arms slowly flailed in front of me, I grabbed at my earthly body and held on as the light consumed me.

The light then vanished and it was darkness, complete and utter darkness. Then the wave of pain that swept my whole body. I felt my body now and heard everything right now, but my eyes didn't open.

I tried to scream but all that came out was a whimper. "Miss?" I heard a husky voice ask. "Miss?"

"Is she awake?" Another voice asked. I felt a finger push open my left eyelid and I looked around. I saw the same two paramedics I had in my ghostly form. I tried to say something but my mouth wouldn't move, wouldn't make sound. I lifted my hand, but it was tied down.

My other eyes opened and I took in the scene. I had moved into a small little room with two windows...

An ambulance. I saw my mom standing at the end of where I had been laid down. "Mom." I whispered. She looked at me and grabbed my hand.

"Samantha?" She whispered.

A sharp pain below my chest struck me into a yelp and my whole body shook. I screamed in pain and pulled at the restraints on my wrists. A paramedic held down my shoulder, "Calm down. Shh. It'll be alright."

I weakly tugged at the restraints again, "Why..." I glanced at my wrists.

"You've been having seizures and knocking things over, we've tied down your hands and feet. Don't worry, everything will be alright." The paramedic assured.

I relaxed a bit, but still tensing at the pain.

I hadn't realized I'd passed out, but my eyes peeled apart to find myself in a hospital room. I lying on a nice comfy bed in a nize cozy feeling room. I had always thought of hospital rooms as scary and uncomfortable. But anything was better than being a floating soul watching its body shrivel up and die.

My mom was arguing with a nurse about not being allowed to smoke in the hospital.

"I need a smoke, this is just too much to handle." She grumbled.

"I'm sorry for your loss Ms. Pucket but..." The nurse tried but my mom stormed out of the room. The nurse turned towards me and went about checking all of the monitors and writing down non sense onto her clipboard. "I know what he did to you." She said, without looking at me.

I was caught by surprise, "What's that then?" I murmured, staring at her.

"Do I have to say?" She locked her eyes with mine for a few seconds. I couldn't detect any kind of emotion. "The man raped you." She said. I narrowed my eyes and frowned feeling a twist in my stomach.

I couldn't respond, that word seemed to hang over me. I just sniffed and turned my head away from her.

"And you murdered him." She whispered. "But any person would say you went in there and he threatened you with his knife and got a swipe at you. Poor little girl fought back and killed him in the process of defending herself."

"You think I wanted this?" I growled, but she was gone. I stared at the closed door to my room blankly. It bursts open with a frantic boy. With a frantic Freddie.

"Sam? Sam!" He was already across the room hovering over the bed. I glanced away. I didn't want to deal with him right now, I just wanted to rest and try to think. "My God, Sam. I love you so much, never do this again." He said, gently pressing me against him.

"Do you?" I said weakly. He looked at me sadly.

"Sam..." Is all he said. "I'm sorry. I should of never let you alone, never let you go back and be almost killed by that sick..."

"Stop. I went back there. I was supposed die, Freddie." I said, unaware of my words, "I can't live anymore."

I grimaced as tears ran down Freddie's face and he grabbed the side of my bed, "Sam please." He begged reaching for my hand. My breath hitched as he crushed my hand in his, his lips reached down to graze the back of my hand.

"Please, please, please." He whispered.

"I was so close." I said closing my eyes. "He didn't stab me, I did. I went to kill myself, I was so close."

Freddie sniffled and stared longingly at me trying to hold back his tears. I sat up, pain searing in my torso, and wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down to me. I devoured his lips with mine and pulled him on top of me.

"Lock the door." I whispered.

"What do you..." He gazed at me.

"Lock the door." I said again.

I rested against Freddie's bare chest, breathing heavily. "I love you, so much. Please remember that." I whispered.

"Please don't leave me, Samantha." He murmured, kissing my neck. I smiled and shook my head.

"I'm sorry." I said softly, and blacked out.

Again I was out of my body, just a floating soul. Freddie was standing by the door, dressed back in his clothes. The doctors surrounded me as my monitor showed a flatline. Freddie was shouting and crying trying to push past a hefty nurse.

"Goodbye." I said, looking at Freddie. His eyes looked at me and locked with my ghostly ones. He screamed and reached out to me. I shook my head, and looked over my shoulder. A dark haired girl stood there, her appearance was translucent as I guessed was mine.

"Sam." She smiled. "Finally you have come."

I couldn't move, "Carly."


	7. Epilogue

**Since I feel I was mean to kill off characters, here is a lot more of a happier ending, hope you don't hate me now ;)**

**FREDDIE'S POV**

I held Sam's limp and lifeless hand in mine. It had been two hours since they had pronounced her dead, my eyes had leaked tears since. Still they did each time I looked at her face, slowly turning pale and wilting like a dead flower.

I should've helped her, then she'd still be alive and here with me. I couldn't even handle telling Carly when she got back, someone else was going to have to tell her.

My mind flashed back to when I saw her, her soul standing a few feet away from her body. She looked directly at me, smiling sadly. It was too real to be a hallucination that she was there waving goodbye.

I squeezed her hand tighter in mine, "Sam..." I cried softly.

I remained the rest of my night there by her side, weeping. My mom finally came and collected me as they had to take her body away, I was dragged away kicking and screaming. Like a little boy crying over not getting a candy bar from the store, or being taken away from a playset.

I sat in the car refusing to look at my mother who tried to assure me everything would be okay. I also refused to get out of the car to go our apartment, my mom ended up leaving me out there. I curled up in a ball and wept loudly since no one could hear me, a crying teenage boy.

A crying teenage boy who had lost the love of his life, when he could've done something about it.

My fist smashed against the inside of car in anger, I pushed open the door and slammed it closed once I was out. I wiped at my eyes and face with my t-shirt and stood out in the night air for several minutes trying to collect myself.

I leaned against the car taking deep breaths, pulling at my hair trying to keep from screaming. I finally managed to get inside and up to my apartment, I went straight to my room and bundled up in my blankets avoiding the thoughts of Sam.

When I woke up my sheets were soaked with tears I had forgotten I'd shed, they were also torn from my tight grip. I hadn't even bothered to change into pajamas. Who cared anyways?

As I reached into my drawer for clean clothes my mom popped her head in, "You going to school?" She asked.

I didn't respond, I'd think she'd know that there was no way that was an option today. Today I needed to get out somewhere, but no way in hell would I go to school. I had a set plan of where I was going, even if it was going to hurt.

I parked my car, sitting in there a few minutes before stepping out onto the sidewalk. There stood Sam's apartment building, I had to clench my jaw and hold everything back. Each step to her apartment sent a shiver down my spine, I could barely handle it.

When I let myself into the apartment I saw Sam's mother sitting in a chair wiping her face with a tissue, and two police men sat across from her asking her questions. They looked up at me when I entered, I stared at her mom.

"Hi..." I said hoarsely. "I shouldn't of..."

"No, no. Come sit, I'm sure these sweet gentlemen have questions for you too." She said. Her eyes were wide, her lips pressed tightly together, and her skin was white and pasty. I knew she didn't care most of the time about her daughter but I knew she was torn at Sam's death.

I nodded and took a seat next to one of the policemen. I took a deep breath and clasped my hands together.

"This is the young man who called in to 911 for..." She choked, "Samantha."

I gave a slight nod, trying to focus on the conversation without emotion. "What is it that caused you to call?" One policeman asked.

"She was on the phone with me. And she was...screaming." I gritted my teeth and looked down at the ground.

"Why was she screaming?" He pressed.

"Because she was being stabbed." I said.

"Or was she stabbing herself?" The one next to me asked.

"How should I know? She stopped talking to me and all I heard was that scream, and all I could do is call someone to help her. I was too far away to get there to help her." I said narrowing my eyes at them.

"Where were you?" They questions kept flying.

"At my grandmother's, out of town." I muttered.

One began writing rapidly down in a notepad and then shot another question, "We also have evidence that before she died and her heart stopped you and her had been-"

"Yes." I said, the word slicing through the air. "Had I realized why she wanted to do that I could have saved her."

"What had she said to you to provoke such action?" The one next to me asked.

"Jesus Christ!" I growled, getting up from my spot. "That's enough."

I walked to her room and shut the door behind me, I sat on her bed letting the tears break out over my face. I clutched her pillow and held it to my face, one of the men opened the door, "Sir, we would like to ask you to come back for questioning or leave the apartment."

I swiped up a picture from her desk of her, Carly and I and slipped it in my pocket. "I'll leave then." I said, swiping and across my eyes to rid any tears that still lingered.

I rummaged through my house until I found a little golden picture frame. I sat on my couch and wedged the picture I had taken from Sam's room into the frame. I held it, staring at it's contents for so long until my mother walked into the room with the house phone in her hand. "It's for you." She said gravely.

I got up, what more could happen at this point? I took the phone from her and held it up to my ear, "Hello?"

"Freddie." A breathy voice came.

"Spencer?" I asked.

"T-Theres something that happened..." His voice was thin from crying.

"What?" I whispered.

"I meant to get a call sooner to you, since it happened at the beginning of out trip...I figured you'd know." He said.

"What do you mean?" I said, confused.

"Carly...got into an accident. They did all they could but-"

I dropped the phone, I couldn't even think. My brain felt as if it were about to explode, I rushed out the door ignoring my mom calling for me. I was out of the building and in my car driving down the road going nowhere.

I didn't even realize how fast I was going because everything was such a blur I hadn't felt as if I were even there.

"_Freddie!"_

My eyes veered to my side where a blonde haired girl sat in the passenger seat, my foot hit the brakes so suddenly I nearly got whiplash. "Sam!" I looked back but she was gone. "Sam!" I shouted, my fists pounded against the steering wheel in frustration.

Many people veered around me, honking their horns at me. I brough my fist down on my horn, "Screw you too!" I shouted at the guy flipping me off in his little sports car.

I pulled over to the side of the road and shut off the engine. I sat there trying to suppress my screaming. It took me awhile to manage to start the car back up and go back home.

When I got home my mom embraced me and I returned it. "Spencer told me what happened." She whispered. I nodded and pressed my face into her shoulder.

I let go and settled on the couch and flipped on a movie. I knew this was only the easy part, that the grief would only worsen. But I knew eventually it would lift from me, leaving it's scars. "I just don't know how this would even happen." I whispered.

"Fredward, wake up. You're screaming like a little girl." A voice said.

My eyes peeled open, I was on Carly's couch and Sam stood over me. "Freddie seriously, what were you dreaming about you sounded like your mom was forcing a tick bath on you." She said.

I got up and threw my arms around her and squeezed as tightly as I could. She choked and pushed me back, "Geez, what's your deal?" She snorted.

"What's going on?" Carly stepped into the living room with a bowl of popcorn. "Oh hey Freddie, thank God you're awake. You disrupted my movie with your blubbering."

I must've looked like a freak with my wide eyes and my nervous glances. "He was probably dreaming about not having a girlfriend. Oh wait that's reality." Sam smirked.

"You have no idea." I murmured looking at her. I was still in a state of shock. Never had a dream been so long, detailed, and _real._

That night I had stayed with Carly and when Sam was taking a shower I told about my dream, every little part. I was crying by the end of it because I was so overwhelmed with relief.

"I knew you had feelings for Sam." Carly smiled at me. I glared at her.

"What?" I heard Sam's voice.

I turned my head to look at her, she was standing near the steps to Carly's room in her pajamas. She stretched out her arms and ran a few fingers through her damp hair, "You're not going through your stupid theories again are you?" Sam asked accusingly towards Carly.

Carly put her hands up in surrender, "No, no."

Sam rolled her eyes and plopped down next to me on the couch. The fact that I could remember every detail from my dream about me and her...

It haunted me. All of those kisses and right before she died...it had been all so real. Now it wasn't and she didn't really love me, did she?

"Sam." I said shakily. She gave me a sidewards glance.

"I know about your Doctor Who obsession." I said. She turned her whole head to look at me, her whole face lit up red. She got up and tried to hide her face.

"Doctor what?" She mumbled trying to escape to the kitchen. I felt a big grin tug at the corners of my mouth. Carly gave a questioning glance at me, I remained smiling.

"That's all I needed." I whispered. _I love you, Samantha._


End file.
